Tough week. Thanks for your prayers.

This has been a hard week for me. Thursday was a very hard day.

Sorry about the length of this; it's just how it came out.

I went to the orthopedic dr. with the hope of getting my inflatable boot cast on, eager to see if I could begin taking light steps with it on, and, you know - make progress. The ortho tech cut off the gauze so I could see the foot for the first time in 4 months without any metal attached. Not pretty, very swollen still, but my foot.

They took several x-rays, and my dr. was in to see me almost instantly. He said there are good things - it looks like all the joints are in place basically, including the talus. He also asked about the feeling and sensation in my foot, which I think are just like my other foot. These are all good things.

The bad things started with confirming that, as expected, there is bone death in the talus caused by the loss of blood supply in the break and dislocation. I knew that some bone death was almost a 100% certainty, but it seemed that it meant something to the dr. that the talus seems to be all dead, not just partially, as it could be.

* He then told me that there's no way of knowing now what we'll have to do. It really depends on how much pain I have when I try to walk on it. If I go through therapy and walk on it and I say, hey, I can deal with this pain - it's manageable with a little bit of pain meds! - then he said he wouldn't do any surgery.

* But he said, "my hunch is that [because of the circumstances] you're going to need a pan-talar fusion." This means fusing the entire ankle joint. No movement in the ankle at all. I asked him, really? Complete immobility? And he said, it's the most pain-free immobile ankle we can do.

It was the 1st time I had really considered this mentally. Walking with a cane most likely, he said. No mobility. Difficulty walking, prob. with a definite limp. No - bike riding? No ability to jog even a few steps to catch a little kid? This was hard.

Nothing is set. He didn't even say, this is my recommendation for moving forward. He just said, I have a hunch this is what you'll need. Thursday was hard, as I said. I kind of feel like I do when someone dies and you wake up and realize that the loss is real. I know it's not like that, and yet I feel the loss greatly. I've just begun sorting through the frustration and feelings of loss and questions for God. I guess that I've always felt optimistic about recovering and "getting back to normal." I guess all this somehow didn't hit me till now.

Will you please pray for me? I'm seeking to prepare my head for the possibilities… even as I search the internet and find LOTS of different opinions, including drs. writing things like "pantalar fusion is not very good. Patient satisfaction is low." We'll certainly look into 2nd opinions if need be.

* I had been preparing myself for the more promising subtalar fusion, which fuses some foot bones for strength and takes away any side to side movement, but still allows an up-and-down hinge motion. This would make hiking and walking on uneven ground difficult, but would still allow basic walking motion, hopefully with little to no limp. I REALLY want to see if other doctors – perhaps older and more experienced – would think that my ankle has enough left to make this a possibility, or if the dead talus can't support it. * And there's still the possibility, I guess, through therapy, of no surgery? God knows. I would so appreciate your prayers with me for these hopes. THANK YOU.

Thank you guys for standing in the gap for me so much through all of this. I know that I have SO much to be thankful for, and so much that I still can do in life, even if it's with a bum ankle. I'm trying to stay in that place. I appreciate your support and love so much.

Your brother in Christ,

Todd