Yes. I confess. I have not been a faithful blogger. I hope some of you folks are still out there checking in occasionally. thanks. :)
My last entry was early May! A lot has changed since then.
I was happy to be putting weight on the foot with crutches in mid-May. I was doing (and continue to do) therapy exercises sometimes for 4-5 hours a day to try to work it back into shape. but with my new Dr.’s encouragement, I started making some milestones –

I started walking some without crutches by the end of May. I remember walking VERRRRY slowly in the Wheaton, IL Subway on Memorial Day. Good milestone.

And then, finally – first day without crutches was June 4. It was a big day, obviously.

I was called up to walk in front of my church on June 7. That was a powerful moment since so many of those folks had been praying for me for months, and even visited me in the hospital when they weren’t sure if my foot would stay on.

My very matter-of-fact, straight-shooting Physical Therapist was very pleased when I was able to walk well for him, even outside on the grass.

I walked slowly into our uber-exciting annual Ackland family reunion, which felt really great in front of family.

And last Wed. (6/17) – I took a walk that I later measured with our car, 2/3 mile on gravel, a surface that has been very difficult earlier because of the unevenness. I’m very excited to see the progress.

-//- I want to be so grateful to God for what I’ve been able to do, well beyond what the doctors predicted. And yet I get very discouraged sometimes. Like today. There’s still such a long way to go. I would so appreciate your continued prayers for things like these:

- The arch in my injured foot is very stretched, sore, and painful. Hopefully it will continue to rehabilitate, and massage therapy might help the process.
- continued strengthening in my foot, toes, and ankle.
- more motion might be restored in the injured ankle itself
- smoother walking, less limp
- my continuing appeal with the Insurance – thankfully, the disputed amount is now lower than $6000. But since the dr.’s appeal failed, now I have to gather up a lot of documents and try to appeal for more money awarded to cover the surgical costs.
- And, very importantly, my mind and heart and emotions.

So much of this journey now is a battle of thoughts and emotion. I have a hard time sometimes accepting that life is different now. I want to be back to the way life was, the way I was… which is impossible. I need to remember where I was at last Dec. … last February… what I have is truly a blessing. It’s just really difficult not to compare myself with most people I see and want to have their same abilities.

I need to remember – I was off my foot for almost half a year. I’ve only been working on it with therapy for less than 3 months. I’ve only been walking without crutches for less than a month. So there’s certainly reason to hope for further improvement – I believe God’s showing me that the old ways I’ve always thought and lived just aren’t going to cut it now. I have to trust Him, discipline my mind to not allow myself to think discouraging thoughts – and keep moving.

I hope to surprise you with how much God has healed me the next time I see you! Thanks for reading and caring.

Some praises... some fears.

Hello friends.

That sounds like the start of a Mr. Roger's Neighborhood episode. Hmm. I'm about as actively exciting as him these days.

Well, I haven't written for a while. There hasn't been much big news to discuss. I'm making slow progress. Slow seems to be the word of the month. I can tell my ankle is stronger, and I'm doing more - but it's slow. Just to make sure i didn't mislead anyone last time - when I said I was I'm walking in the grass, that was walking WITH crutches, putting some weight down. However, I have gotten to the point where after warming up well, I can do a SLOWWW modified walk with a cane. And... I can also do a VERY slow, limping shuffle, without cane/crutch/walker/segway. I thank God for this progress, slow as it is. The biggest challenges in this area seem to be the difficulty in getting the foot to bend at a right angle or beyond without pain, and needing more ankle strength to push through a "heel-to-toe" motion.

If you would, please pray with me on 2 money-related accounts. My surgeon's appeal to the insurance company came back empty; they still want me to pay about $7,000 that they're calling over the customary amount. We had asked them for some visible evidence of their fee schedule, which they haven't done. I'll be asking for that as I "appeal the appeal", more or less, because I want to use those real $ amounts to seek a deal between the Ins. and the provider.

Also, my insurance should have decided by now whether or not they'll be granting me more physical therapy visits. Therapy is my training for walking for the future, and I'll need to go whether or not they pay, but depending on whether they're fair and generous or not, it's the difference of $1000-2000 probably. I hope to find out tomorrow.

These things are pretty worry-inducing and fear provoking for me, even though I know that fear is not what God wants for me in this case. I know that God is sovereign over all this and wants me depending fully on Him. Fear creeps in very easily and secretly. I appreciate your prayers along with me for these matters. I hope to limp through your door and see you someday soon.

May the peace of Christ rule in your hearts and mine,

Todd

This is big for me.

Hello friends!

I received a very important phone call Tuesday morning. I picked up, and it was my new ankle specialist doctor. My heart sank, assuming that he was calling with bad news from the MRI I had taken on Good Friday. Instead, he told me that, according to the MRI, there is no sign of bone death in my talus, the central important ankle bone. This is a direct 180 degrees from what I’ve been hearing ever since the accident – that I had a 99-100% chance of bone death because the bone was so broken, dislocated, and cut off from blood supply.

I was absolutely shocked – so I asked him… “Are you sure??” He said that the MRI reader (radiologist?) agreed with him that things looked good – so good that he even questions whether my talus was actually broken! He said he believes there is little chance that I would need a major [pantalar] ankle fusion, possibly a less drastic surgery down the road.

Honestly… part of me is scared to let my hopes be reset so high – that I might have a healing, somewhat kinda normal ankle, instead of the shattered thing that I’ve been thinking I had. But I truly dare to think that this is the miracle that I along with so many others (thank you) have been praying for. And this week, especially after having some tough physical therapy on Wed., I’ve been working hard on putting more weight down on it and increasing my “walking” - still with some crutches' help, of course. And it’s responding. I loved walking in the grass for an hour today. I’m nervous to admit it – but I’m really excited. Thank you to so many of you who have walked alongside me during this. It’s not over – but God is making some beauty out of the ashes.

Your brother and limping partner along the road,

Todd

Reasons to be thankful - and to pray.

Hey folks-
I just wanted to give a quick report of some really praise-worthy things that God has brought about this last week.

*/* My new Dr. recommended the use of Bone growth stimulator machine that straps onto the ankle at night for 30 min. and puts out a magnetic field that somehow stimulates stubborn bones to grow back. It sounded like a great hopeful prospect - and then my insurance refused to cover the charges. I didn't see how i would pay the $3600 cost - until the company interviewed me and decided to let me use the machine free of charge with a company write-off.

*/* It sounds like, if the business office person I talked to was correct, that the unpaid charges from my main surgeon that the insurance was trying to assign to me to pay has been negotiated from $15,000 down to around $7000, and the Dr's office is still appealing $6000 of it.

*/* */* And the best part this week - has been a kind of walking. I'm moving my ankle for the first time since Oct. really. I was unsure how much to do, how much can i handle, etc., and my parents challenged me on Monday that learning to walk is really my #1 job right now. So since Tues., I've been spending 2 hours every morning bending toes, loosening up the little movement I have, and then putting a little more and more weight on the foot - with my crutches' help, and with the foot in the new protective brace. It's slow progress, but it's progress. Slow heel to toe is actually working. It's very slow, but it's walking.

>>> Please thank God with me for the gift of this bone stimulator that I should receive on Fri., and ask God for its effectiveness in growing new bone where it may be dead.
>>> Please pray for good results in my MRI to be taken Good Friday morning, that it might show growing bone with blood flow and not a dead shell of a bone.
>>> Please pray that my insurance would recognize these surgery charges as fair and negotiate a fair payment that would not leave me with a large debt.
>>> Please pray that my foot will continue to gain movement and strength, and that I would soon fully walk on it... in God's timing.

God's Word has graciously spoken to me this week. I'm commanded to be strong and courageous - not because "I've got a lot more living to do," but because God has his purposes and plans to accomplish through my life. (Joshua 1:6) He is with me, and He will bring it to being. I'm also commanded to love the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. (Mark 12:30) How can I do that if I don't trust Him with my life? I realized that, at this point, I must love Him by trusting Him.

Love you guys. Looking forward to seeing many of you when we celebrate His resurrection Easter Sunday.

Peace of Christ - Todd

Some good news!

Hello, blogging faithful ones!

Yes, I know - I am apparently CLEARLY not one of those people, the chosen ones. I didn't post ANYTHING here all March long. That's almost as bad as when my roommate and I decided not to wash any dishes for the month of April, about 10 years ago. So now it's April 1 - and I'm back. Terrible reason for my malaise - I spent 2 weeks in the suburbs in March, attending my home church, and so I just never emailed them any updates since I was right there. And so I never blogged either. Ok, enough apologies. Hopefully nobody hates me; THANK YOU for even checking in here. Your concern and friendship and prayers really mean THE WORLD to me at this time. I will hopefully have even more to say here soon. God has brought some hopeful things into being. He's good at that.

From Mar. 28.

Hey friends - I had some cautiously really good news this week that I wanted to share with you.

I went to my main dr. this Mon., expecting to hear very little new, more of the same about the terrible injury. Instead, my dr. was very surprised that I have had very little pain and haven't needed pain meds for weeks. [Thanks be to GOD!] He said the x-ray showed possibilities that the bone is surprisingly getting some blood supply and may not fully die. And therefore he wants me to get out of the big boot cast and carefully practice walking more and more, moving up to 100% weight! I was shocked.

I also went to my 2nd opinion on Fri., a foot/ankle specialist with a big Orthopedic group in the suburbs. He was a great listener and very knowledgeable - for maybe 45 min. he met with us and cautiously echoed some of these statements. He supplied me with a supportive brace to use for *practice* walking, and he took a sort of calm, natural approach. He said we should gently see what the ankle can do for the next 6-9-12 months and not rush any surgery. This means waiting til after my insurance runs out in July... but he said it's the only way to know how the ankle will heal.

So, ~shock~ i'm gonna be practicing "walking," seeing what the ankle can do slowly. I so appreciate your prayers as I try to carefully discern answers to these questions. Looking forward to hopefully sharing the feast of Easter with you all -

Todd

I appreciate your prayers!!!

On Mar 21, 2009, I wrote to my church:

Hello my dear friends -

These last 2 weeks, it was so great to be able to see all of you again and feel connected again on a face to face level. I hope to be able to be part of LOV on Sunday more in the future, now that i'm driving and a little less dependent - even if it means coming in on Sat. and sleeping on Holsclaws' futon... :)

* Thank you for praising God with me for continuing recovery. It's really slow, but at least I'm much more mobile now, and seeing my toes gain some necessary movement and strength.

* Please ask God with me -
- to speak to us at my main Dr.'s appointment this Monday. This is probably when they have to lay down whether I need to have a fused, immovable ankle, or whether there is hope for a less drastic treatment.

- to guide us at my 2nd opinion at a major western suburb Ortho clinic, Fri. 3/27. The foot/ankle specialist looks very experienced and promising. I'm really excited to hear from someone else. We're coming in with lots of questions, plus hopes to be able to walk normally and live a reasonably active life.

- to move mightily in my Insurance situation. They have covered me for SO much and have spent a lot of money on me. Still, it looks like there is $14,000 that they've assigned to me to pay just from the 6 surgeries from my main surgeon, and there's more coming in. We are appealing this, but we need WISDOM and good counsel to know how to do what is important and to not end up in a financial quandry.

* Please pray against fear. It's easy to have thoughts that "I may never walk again," or that the limits will be unbearable because I'm growing weary of life on crutches and not being able to work and do so many things. I also face fear about the mounting claims, since so much insurance stuff is simply unknown to us. But we know that after we do all that we can do humanly speaking, we have a sovereign God who is working for our good and for His purposes in us. I need to keep my mind stayed on this, not on the easily frightening unknown.

Thank you for standing beside me in many encouraging ways, big and small, through this. I have been blessed by so many of you. Hope to see you again soon - -

Todd

Encouraging things

Hey folks! I hope everyone is doing well, and patiently waiting for Chicago winter to turn into REAL Chicago spring.

Thank you everyone for all of the encouragement you gave me over last week. It was a tough week to hear a possible prognosis, but that shock was necessary for me, I think, and there’s a long way to go in this journey. I’ve been praying to accept the possibilities of some difficult limits, while at the same time we’re looking into and planning 2nd/3rd opinions to UW-Madison and Chicago hospitals.

I started therapy this week! – Wed. and Fri. It was anxiously exciting to start moving the toes and the ankle – SLOWLY. I guess a lot of time just needs to be spent on rubbing and mobilizing the toes to get them back into commission. And of course my leg muscles are really atrophied. All those years being called “pencil-legs,” and now it’s basically accurate – at least on the left side. I have a lot of hope for what we can accomplish, and I already see improvements in how much (little, but real) movement I have.

I received another bunch of insurance statements today. There has been SO many shockingly high bills that they have paid, so much to be thankful for. Today finally brought the statement for the first 3 weeks in the hospital, from late Oct. / early Nov. The $175,000 bill was discounted by $40,000, and the insurance covered ALL of the remaining $135,000. So thanks be to God for THAT! I need to focus on that – although the statements for 2 of the many surgeries by my main surgeon just came today, from late Oct… The insurance is trying to only pay less than half on virtually all of those and ask me to pay around $12,000. The appeal has been started, but please pray that the insurance will move and cover these costs, especially since both the surgeon group and the insurance claim that they are paying according to the same Medicare fee schedule.

Well, I’m TOTALLY looking forward to my first “real” shower tonight, without any plastic bags taped to my leg. I get to cleanse my foot and see how the skin graft REALLY looks. Hopefully the doctor resisted writing “Dr. W was here,” or anything really, on my foot.

Another thanks to God, I’ve been able to drive since I got my storm-trooper boot on last week… although not in my stick-shift Honda. That’s a LITTLE too much action for my booted foot. So, I’m really looking forward to driving up and seeing everyone at church, hopefully a week from today, on Mar. 8. I’ll be back in the burbs at my sister’s for those 2 weeks and eager to catch up with a lot of you and hear what’s going on in YOUR lives. Hopefully lots of excitement, not involving hospitals. (Sorry Dina.) THANK YOU for your prayers for these things, and for your pointful encouragements to keep my eyes on our Sovereign God whose plans are higher than all of ours.

Love and peace in Christ,
Todd

Tough week. Thanks for your prayers.

This has been a hard week for me. Thursday was a very hard day.

Sorry about the length of this; it's just how it came out.

I went to the orthopedic dr. with the hope of getting my inflatable boot cast on, eager to see if I could begin taking light steps with it on, and, you know - make progress. The ortho tech cut off the gauze so I could see the foot for the first time in 4 months without any metal attached. Not pretty, very swollen still, but my foot.

They took several x-rays, and my dr. was in to see me almost instantly. He said there are good things - it looks like all the joints are in place basically, including the talus. He also asked about the feeling and sensation in my foot, which I think are just like my other foot. These are all good things.

The bad things started with confirming that, as expected, there is bone death in the talus caused by the loss of blood supply in the break and dislocation. I knew that some bone death was almost a 100% certainty, but it seemed that it meant something to the dr. that the talus seems to be all dead, not just partially, as it could be.

* He then told me that there's no way of knowing now what we'll have to do. It really depends on how much pain I have when I try to walk on it. If I go through therapy and walk on it and I say, hey, I can deal with this pain - it's manageable with a little bit of pain meds! - then he said he wouldn't do any surgery.

* But he said, "my hunch is that [because of the circumstances] you're going to need a pan-talar fusion." This means fusing the entire ankle joint. No movement in the ankle at all. I asked him, really? Complete immobility? And he said, it's the most pain-free immobile ankle we can do.

It was the 1st time I had really considered this mentally. Walking with a cane most likely, he said. No mobility. Difficulty walking, prob. with a definite limp. No - bike riding? No ability to jog even a few steps to catch a little kid? This was hard.

Nothing is set. He didn't even say, this is my recommendation for moving forward. He just said, I have a hunch this is what you'll need. Thursday was hard, as I said. I kind of feel like I do when someone dies and you wake up and realize that the loss is real. I know it's not like that, and yet I feel the loss greatly. I've just begun sorting through the frustration and feelings of loss and questions for God. I guess that I've always felt optimistic about recovering and "getting back to normal." I guess all this somehow didn't hit me till now.

Will you please pray for me? I'm seeking to prepare my head for the possibilities… even as I search the internet and find LOTS of different opinions, including drs. writing things like "pantalar fusion is not very good. Patient satisfaction is low." We'll certainly look into 2nd opinions if need be.

* I had been preparing myself for the more promising subtalar fusion, which fuses some foot bones for strength and takes away any side to side movement, but still allows an up-and-down hinge motion. This would make hiking and walking on uneven ground difficult, but would still allow basic walking motion, hopefully with little to no limp. I REALLY want to see if other doctors – perhaps older and more experienced – would think that my ankle has enough left to make this a possibility, or if the dead talus can't support it. * And there's still the possibility, I guess, through therapy, of no surgery? God knows. I would so appreciate your prayers with me for these hopes. THANK YOU.

Thank you guys for standing in the gap for me so much through all of this. I know that I have SO much to be thankful for, and so much that I still can do in life, even if it's with a bum ankle. I'm trying to stay in that place. I appreciate your support and love so much.

Your brother in Christ,

Todd

De-fixation: Feb. 11th.

Hey - I wanted to get out a timely word and thanks to you guys! [Yikes... i sent this to my church on Wed. Feb 11. I'm sorry I'm so behind. A lot has gone on and I sort of forgot to update. Not timely at all. Thanks for still checking it out here. :) ]

I got my fixator off this morning. It was pretty quick, just 30 min. like they said. I was even wide awake without any grogginess by 9:30 am. The amusing part (at least I hope so) is that I think they misplanned on having a boot. The nurse told me I was going to have a cast; I said, I can't have a cast, I have to go in for skin graft checkups, and then my Dr. came in and said, "Uh, we're gonna put on a splint. Yeah, we'll put on a boot for you at your 1st checkup." I just couldn't say, "... did you forget?"

But the best part is that it just feels better. The pain is, for right now, basically gone. I'm trying to learn now how to lightly touch the toe down when walking with crutches. It's wrapped up tight, but I don't feel the discomforts of lugging around a cubic meter of titanium. I was a little fearful of the unknown, but so far it's been a big blessing.

Brian Christensen - I'm going to use the pieces of the fixator to make a sculpture of the Tower of Babel. Maybe a mobile. Feel free to use it in the art collection at the appropriate time.

Thanks be to God for all this. And thanks for all your prayers. I'm on the next leg of the journey.

Peace of Christ to you,

Todd

2/9/09 - Lookin up, I guess.

Hey folks! -

I called my Orthopedic dr. and he said, if it's not super red or draining fluid, there's not much to do. Since we're scheduled to take the fixator off Wed. morning, they figure they can deal with it then. My plastic surgeon said the same - and Nurse Marie Butson was in agreement Sunday. Thanks for the good advice, Marie, and for the great shoulder massage Russ. Talk about meeting the needs of the body.... :)

Hopefully the pain will go away - i'm taking some good STRONG meds. Thanks for your prayers.

lots of love

Todd

Sun, Feb 8 - Thanks and a request

Hello family,

Thanks so much for your prayers, encouragement, and love today. It was really wonderful to be back. It felt just like a normal Sunday to be there, not like 4 months had actually passed.

I hope i'm not going past my prayer request quota - I've had a very sharp pain suddenly develop in my left heel pin the last couple of days. It's really stronger than any other pain like that i've had. It's terrible whenever I move the foot, and it's hard to sleep. It was painful today and was the only thing that took away from the great feeling of being back.

It's got me worried about infection... Would you mind praying that the dr. and I can figure this out and do the right thing, as i plan to see him on an emergency basis tomorrow, and that this would not deter us from the goal of getting the **Tinkerfoot>> removed this Wed. morn? THANK YOU. I know - God's got this in His control too.

Peace of Christ to all of you -

Todd

See you Sunday! ? :)

Hello everyone,

I received good news on Monday when the plastic surgeon said the wound is healed enough to support a boot-cast. So i'm scheduled for a 30-min. procedure next Wed. to take the fixator (pins and rods) off my leg and foot. <*YAY!*>...

I feel really good these days, (and might not for a little while after the surgery) so my parents graciously offered to drive me into suburbia to see everyone at Life On the Vine this Sunday. Yay Mom and Dad. Can't wait to see all you great folks...

After the foot is released to hang free, we'll have to collect observations and decide over 4-6 weeks what kind of surgery (if any) is wisest. I REALLY appreciate your prayer as this time of uncertainty begins that will affect how I walk from now on.

I also appreciate prayer for the unresolved $1000's that the insurance and providers are still up in the air about with me. God is the PROVIDER; I must keep that in the front of my mind.

Well, I'll say it again - looking FORWARD to seeing you soon!

Todd

Photos?

Want to see new photos? Check out
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2014995&id=119400997&l=f3d82b4233
They're a little unpleasant, but... informative. Just beware. Thanks for stopping by!

Good news is good.

Hey there folks!

I hope this finds you all doing well. I’m cooped up here at the family farm, and although I haven’t written for over a week and a half, it hasn’t been from complete lack of good news. We think we just may be seeing PROGRESS!!!

The plastic surgeon said last Monday that things continue to look well (even though my untrained eyes think that things couldn’t look more disgusting). I know that I’m doing the world a grave disservice by not having posted my pictures on the web by now, so I’m going to do my darnedest to get them on my facebook page tonight, and hopefully also on the little blog I keep for a few folks who don’t get these LOV emails – www.toddytoddytoddy.blogspot.com. These will not be the most cheerfully pleasant pictures. They’re rather gross, but hey – the skin is sticking.

The best news I heard was from my orthopedic surgeon, the main doctor that I’ve been with all along. He said that, as soon as my the plastic surgeon feels the wound is durable and stable enough to withstand some pressure, we can take off the fixator (aka tinkertoys, pins and rods) and put on a boot cast. And the pl. surgeon said it might be as early as Feb. 10, more or less. This is a shock! I’ve had the big fix on for so long now, I’m sure my foot will look naked to me without it. I’m sure that my ankle will be completely weak and atrophied beyond belief, since it will be 4 months or so of complete immobility, and there will be a huge need for therapy for a while. But I’m really excited about being able to take the next step. PROGRESS…

My surgeon warned me again, “this is a marathon journey you’re on.” He also really emphasizes the seriousness of the injury every time he sees me. He told me that this injury carries a 40% amputation rate right off the top, so to be at this point with a foot is already a big victory. I think this is his way of warning me that we’re not sure what will happen once the pins and rods are taken off. It will most likely require a subtalar fusion that will take away most side-to-side mobility but will still let me walk (even jog?), hopefully without a limp. But he said there is still a possibility of a major, “pan-talar” fusion. Pretty much everything fused. Obviously, not a good end result. I’m praying for complete recovery, and I’m so thankful for so many folks who have told me they are as well. This is probably the big item now, medically speaking. There’s a small possibility of no fusion at all – but the doc says we find out after the fixator comes off, and the freed ankle is able to tell us how damaged it is and what it needs. Wow… a talking ankle.

Really quickly – the insurance issue is an up and down one. There’s a lot of praises. My agent, who’s a great friend from my former church, came to my house last week and walked me through the process, which helped in a huge way. I can see where the deductible went, and I found that so far there aren’t too many fights brewing. But my main orthopedic provider called Thursday looking for more money than the insurance wants to pay… I’m trying to just keep pointing them toward the insurance co. and sticking to it. The insurance co. itself gave me mixed messages this week that were disturbing, but I thank God that they confirmed the biggest surgery bill has been settled.

In other news – my parents are getting the blessing of traveling to Israel this March! This is huge for them. Up till now, “big traveling” has meant Alaska and Hawaii. I’m super excited for them and hope that it’s an exhilarating experience for them, one that fills in Bible stories with color and helps to renew their faith. The good news for me is that I’ll be staying with my sister in Bartlett from around Mar. 5 to 18. I hope I’ll be mobile enough to see some of you during that time, and I’ll be making every effort possible to be in Church those Sundays. Yay!! See ya soon.

I’ve felt a little more myself lately. Mom says I’m a little funnier. I’ve been trying to play the piano – either with my leg propped on a chair or stuck out to the side. It feels good. And I have a new library card for the “prairie-Badlands” region out here. That feels really good to be a little connected there again. And I’m getting married to a Russian woman I met on VirtualChurch.com. Just kidding. The library card is real, though.

It felt great to listen to a sermon from church from the website last week. Thanks for providing that. It made me feel connected again in one more way. I look forward to seeing you all soon. I think I have a long road again, but thanks to so many of you for walking some of it with me.

Peace of Christ to you –

Todd

Back Home.

I am HOME. Glad to be here. Pardon my slowness of communication, although there are reasons - I stayed in the hospital fr. Tues. afternoon to Fri afternoon, and the rules are basically don't move for 2 weeks. I literally laid there for 3 days and just ate lots of food without moving for 3 days. Sounds gross... but kinda fun. Here at home, i can sit with my foot held up high, but I need to lay down a lot and only put the foot down to walk for 2 min. tops. It's not painful as much as before - huge blessing - and I went to see the plastic surgeon Monday and got good news. He thinks it's adhering and looks great. I thought it looked absolutely terrible, Frankenstein-like. It looks like a brown leather patch sown on the wound, but he says that's to be expected. So it was really encouraging to hear that progress is being made, and we're back on track after a lot of disheartening lack of progress.

I hope that you all are seeing some progress in your lives as well! It really does change the way you trust God with your life, doesn't it? We're out of control of lots of things here, and I have to believe that He knows and cares what's best for me above what I want. It's been hard to do that, as 3 months trickle away and many more are ahead, but i think He is helping me to learn to follow Him in ways I've never had to before.

To be honest, as I shared with my House Gathering over the phone tonight, (whoop whoop) I've had to watch my attitude a lot lately. It's so easy to see everyone working so hard around me, and my parents working to help and serve me... and I'm just laying here. I also catch myself eyeing any strong, capable men I see and just wondering if I'll ever be able to even walk. Luke M shared a good word with me by saying, hey - you were in an accident. Now is time to heal. It's ok to just be there and do that. -//- It's just not natural for me, though. The natural tendency is to want to try harder, fix what's wrong. And I can't fix it; all I can do is place my life and recovery in the Father's hands once again and trust Him with my life. It's amazing how often I need to go back and do that all over again.

Anyway, gotta get this foot up again. Thanks for your shouts and your prayers.
Hope to see you soon.

Peace of Christ to you -
Todd

Surgery tomorrow. #7. Who's counting? Oh... Insurance.

Hello friends...
I am coming to the end of my birthday weekend... that stretched into Monday, my actual birthday today... and I'm officially 30-more something today. Thanks for so many birthday greetings on Facebook, and text messages, and my House Gathering's hot party last weekend. All the modes of communication and technology have been utilized - and I'm well-wished. Thanks so much!

Sorry, I haven't let you all know the result of the doctor's appt. from last Thursday: he said that the foot is healing and the skin is coming along, so that's good - but another skin graft is necessary. It would just take too long for skin to grow and cover such a wide wound that's so long. It's over 12 inches long, and over an inch for a lot of it, plus there's a 2-3 in. circular wound that's even deeper than that.

So - i'm scheduled for surgery tomorrow, back in St. Anthony's in Rockford, at 4 PM. Hopefully we'll be able to drive easily as the blizzard calms down, without calling the Ackland Norwegian Elkhound sled dog team out of retirement. The doctor has said i'll need to be COMPLETELY immobile for 5 days and wants me to stay at the hospital that long to observe. We're hoping that I might be able to attend my nephew's 3-yr-old birthday party on Sat., but that might not be possible. Have to play it by ear. Still praying for major financial things with insurance to be worked out, but thankfully this doc and hospital are "in-network" - great phrase - so we shouldn't be balance-billed for this one.

Frivolous details if you're interested:
I had a great birthday weekend as clans invaded the Ackland home since I can't get out. Saturday evening my hometown friends, all married with kids, came over for a carried-in Chinese food dinner and long goof-off/hang out time complete with ping pong and great 80's table games. ("Perfection," anyone?) It was great to catch up with folks i hadn't seen much in a while. My dad was so generous to pay for all the food, and my mom made a wickedly good carrot cake, my favorite. Sunday, I was able to worship at the church where I served 4 years ago, and it was almost exactly 10 years from my starting date in 1999 (1 day off). It was such a blessing to see families and be reminded of the prayers and care of people I love and care about. Then 3 buddies from the burbs came out and had cake and cookies in the afternoon, so we had a great Bachelor Bonding Bash, complete with terrible guitar group songs. On top of that, one of my old college housemates from the Souphouse at Taylor U. came and stayed until Mon. lunch. Great to see you Dave.

So I've been blessed. I'm not just sitting at home crying and deserted. God has certainly made his presence clear... it's an up and down journey emotionally and spiritually, but I see how, even though the end result can't be seen, and it can be very discouraging to think about things I "thought I had" possibly not being available any more - health... finance... freedoms - God is here. He's still working. He's still glorious. And I pray I can still bring him glory.

And I'm thankful for you, Life on the Vine. I KNOW that if i were here, 75 miles from Long Grove, and I didn't have these relationships with so many of you that I care about, and I just didn't have a body of Christ that I call home, I KNOW in my heart that I would feel an emptiness and loneliness. I thank God for you. Thank you for being Christ's heart and hands and words and cheer and friendship to me. I feel a need to repay what I've been given. Right now I can just say thanks.

I'll try to update you all on how things go. Thanks for your prayers. Everyone curl up, enjoy the hot cocoa, and love your loved ones well. See ya soon.

Todd

Plastic surgery. Not on my face.

Hey!... SO THIS IS THE LAST OLD EMAIL LETTER I sent before to my friends at my church that I'm going to post up here. I hope that, if you were interested in hearing what's gone on with me, that you didn't find that lame but helpful. I'll get some cool pictures up soon too, with a little blood and stuff for the adventuresome bloghunters out there!

Sun. Jan. 4, 2009
Hello!!!

Hi there LOVers nearby and faraway. I should NOT be up past midnight writing an email for you all, but then again - it's been 2 weeks, and I miss y'all, and I've had like 6 naps today.

I hope you all are doing well and having a great start to the New Year. 2009...... Sounds funny. "Twenty-ten" - sounds even funnier.

I was all set to write an email explaining that I'm just waiting... that I'm just going through my vacuum changes 3 times a week with Hyper Nurse Karen, waiting for the plastic surgeon. My doctor won't go farther with me until an expert plastic surgeon decides whether i need another skin graft on the foot, since the 1st one failed. I suppose there's more going on than I realize; if my surgeon tried again and failed, maybe there could be malpractice fears... I don't know. So I was just waiting to see him on my birthday, Jan. 12, to see what happens next - until he moved it up to this Thurs., Jan 8. Big blessing. I don't really know to expect - he could say we're going into serious surgery in 2 days, or he could say, looks great, nothing needed!

The wound is still healing nicely, so that's great. We're hoping that we can move swiftly, and get this vacuum off, so the fixator can come off and we can have a surgery to fuse some ankle bones. But we're just waiting.

Another concern - *prayer request* - since I was between jobs and group insurance policies, I bought a short-term med. ins. policy. Long story short - so far it looks like they're covering me pretty well, thank God... - but their support totally ENDS July 1, since my policy was only for a year. Kinda sounds weird, but my agent explained it to me. Doesn't have to be a terrible thing, but I really pray to God that He will see these major surgeries taken care of, and I hope to be well into rehab by July. 6 months is sort of a long time - but it will go QUICKLY, I'm sure.

Anyway, I miss you guys, but I've been so encouraged and blessed by loooking through some of the cards and emails and other things that have been sent my way. Thanks so much. It lifts my soul to remember that there are people an hour and a half away that I love and who have spoken into and changed my life.

Hope to see you guys soon!

Love and peace of Christ,
Todd

Sun. Dec. 21, 2008 - 99 1/2 hours till Christmas!!!

Hey everybody,

MERRY CHRISTMAS! I hope that your celebration of Christ's advent has been and will be a worshipful experience for you and your families this year.

It's been an ok week here on the ol' ranch. I've decided that the foot has become all about tradeoffs. A month ago, I felt good; I was pretty mobile, and my pain was minimal. However, all doctors and nurses were frustrated with how the wound was not healing. These days – I've definitely NOT felt a-OK, I have a lot of pain even sitting and standing, let alone moving, and I'm on a steady diet of oxycodone, a medicine I am incredibly *thankful* for. But I'm ok with doing a trade to have my present grogginess and pain, as long as that gives me the long-term health of my foot. It definitely looks "better". The old pictures of my former scab show a huge scar that's yellow, gray, and a variety of other Picasso-painted tones. The new pictures on Facebook (check em out! They're bloody!) show a bright red foot fresh from the meat market. And Fri. when the nurse changed the vacuum (ouchhhhhh) it was drying up nicely. All the people "who know" keep saying how good it looks.

I still enjoyed a full week, despite how I felt. Mon. afternoon we got a visit from 4 fun-loving Holsclaws. Very great to see them as they were on their way to Norway… Wed. I got to see my cousin Kyler play in a 5th/6th grade basketball tournament. Wow – I forgot how funny that stuff can be. Thursday morning, Matt Tebbe, James Currie, and Mike Nowak came by, with remote-controlled Ford F-150 in tow. Thanks for coming guys; it's just great to be able to talk and have community again. And my nephew's going to love my truck.

And LAST NIGHT – we went out to Rockford for a surprise birthday party for my mom. The 11 of us enjoyed a really nice seafood buffet dinner and a Steve Green Christmas concert, and my mom was given a wonderful tribute book of photos, quotes and stories that my sister did masterfully online with some help from me. She was thrilled and well-loved.

Anyway – I really wish that I'd be able to see you all again. I have to be patient with the vacuum, pain, and the slow progress. The doc said on Mon. that I'd need to keep the vac on for another 1-2 weeks. I'm praying for that day to come, but I know they don't want to take it off too soon (for the SECOND time). So… maybe God is teaching me how to just accept that this is what it is for now, and it's ok. I'm trying to think and live out what it means to be thankful, hopeful, faithful, truthful, and peaceful. I need a lot of help a lot of times. Like when I thought I lost my painkillers at the BB game. Or when I got home last night with a good Baptist hangover from too much chocolate cake and too much time on my foot.

God is faithful, even when we are not. That is the background for the Christmas story, I think.

Love and grace and peace to you guys. Thanks for reaching out to me… Hope I can do better at getting back to each one of you individually.

Hope to see you soon.
Todd

Sun. Dec. 14, 2008. Hello everyone. It's almost Sunday.

Well, hello! Greetings from the cold and blustery farm, many miles west of most of you. I hope that all of you are doing well and enjoying anticipating the advent of our Savior this Christmas time.

I wanted to share some of the things that have happened since I emailed last from the hospital. I was very happy to finally go home this Tuesday after a week there.

It has been… different, and honestly, a little difficult with a lot of ups and downs. I was starting to feel a lot stronger and trying to exercise and be a little active – before these surgeries. But there's something more difficult about having a vacuum attached to your body with a cord and carrying around a machine with you. I'm a lot more tired and sedentary, and it's more painful. But the doctors believe that the foot is in a better place now, so I guess these are changes that have to take place for the sake of getting better.

The vacuum is something I'm getting used to. It sucks fluids out of my ankle that get in the way of healing. It runs for 5 minutes and then rests for 2. When it comes on, it sounds like a dirt bike. Or a 4-wheeler. It's actually kind of a friendly conversation throughout the day. I guess I'm less excited about that conversation at night.

God has provided some more big things. We had a REALLY tough time finding a home care nurse to change my vacuum since we live in the boondocks, and very few people claim our area as territory. But He provided a nurse just in time for my first vacuum change – yesterday morning. This was my most painful moment that I've had throughout the whole journey. Honestly, I hadn't dealt with bad, BAD pain at all – until this.

My nurse was a really fast, caffeinated woman named Karen. She had done a lot of vacuums, but had never seen a "fixator" like mine, the titanium jungle gym around my foot. I was pretty nervous about a super fast woman ripping shrink wrap and a sponge off my wounded foot. It was… a well-founded nervousness. Because it had been a week since the doctors changed the vacuum, it was sticking to the wound pretty bad. I bit my finger while she worked at it. Finally, we had success birthed out of adversity. The bare foot looks VERY different now, swollen and with the skin graft removed. (I'll try to get some updated shots on Facebook tomorrow.) I'm not sure if the "really cool scar" that Tackett thought I'd have will still look like it did. I wish I had a camera with me then, but I was more concerned about survival. She was shocked that I was on the "wimpy" pain medicine that I was on, and told me I needed one that could do the job. I've slowly realized she's right, after a rough day today proved it.

Anyway, it's getting late and this letter's getting long. I thank all of you who have prayed for me. I can't find the words to tell you how much I've been lifted up by your emails, calls, visits, promises of visits, words of encouragement, staying in touch, and your intercession. I really miss seeing you all. I've only been able to attend church on 2 Sundays over the last 2 months. And both pastors didn't cry at all in their sermons, which really kind of threw me for a loop, more than expected. I also thank the LOV kids for their Christmas cards that they sent, with great drawings and thoughtful messages and extra-cool spellings.

If you would, I appreciate your prayers for
* pain tolerance
* that the healing process would move forward
* that I'd be able to be active and exercising
* that I'd use my time and my days wisely, redemptively, for God's purposes, even if I have less usable time
* and that the Holy Spirit would help me to truly abide in Him now, and be able to succinctly and clearly point people I meet to Christ and His power, rather than just be vaguely thankful and expectedly nice.

I'll continue lifting you up, and I hope to see you soon.
Love and peace in Christ,
Todd

Tues., Dec. 9, 2008 - Just to update you:

Hey folks -

I surely don't want to overuse these group updates, but it's been a effective and rewarding way to update people about the path i'm on.

I'm still writing from St Anthony's Hospital. I guess there were problems from my insurance co. to verify everything to send me home. But, assuming the weather allows my parents to make it here and back, i hope to return home tomorrow. But there's crazy IL winter stuff forecasted, so we'll see.

*the surgery was good fri. - they actually decided not to do much b/c it looked pretty good. it was disappointing that they took out the failed skin graft Tue, but they're hopeful that there is enough skin growing underneath to move on. So the biggest concern ahead is that the wound would heal.

*i'm going home with a travel vacuum hooked up to my ankle. it's small and comes with its own man-bag, so i can, i don't know, take it into Starbucks or something. THe docs are very set on this technology to help me heal. Might have it on for 1-2 wks or more.

*My surgeon. said that the danger of losing the foot to infection actually would still be there for a year. Have to be extremely careful with everything. He also said that if i had been brought into [name withheld] famous Chicago Hospital on the accident day, the foot would be amputated, 100% sure. So one more thing that I really have to be THANKFUL for.

Anyway, glad to be here, thankful for you my friends and family. Hope i can survive as well at home as i did in the hospital. They've been really good to me....

Blessings to you all, in Christ's peace -
Todd

Fri. Dec. 5, 2008 - Hey Folks... surgery, again.

Hi LOV family.

Really quick - i'm doing ok here in the hospital. thankful to get a little wifi in my room. trying to stay a little active with walks to keep strength up.

i didn't expect to be here for several days, but now they've actually scheduled another surgery for me tomorrow at 11:30. they're planning to try to clean up the wound some more, and refocus the wound vacuum, which is doing good work. it's been a little scary to hear that the skin graft basically failed, but they hope there's enough skin growing to be ok. otherwise, there will be some other procedure. it's also scary to realize that the talk of possibly losing the foot is still out there. but the doctors are feeling confident and believe they are "winning". i have to remember that God is truly sovereign, and that this is His battle, His timetable.

they hope i'll be able to go home, with vacuum attached, on Monday now. Gala hopes are officially off - have extra fun for me. I so appreciate your support. I'm praying for many of you as well. I love you, friends.

Your brother in Christ, Todd

Dec. 1 - Back to the Hospital....

Hello there LOV friends and family!

I feel like maybe i've owed you all an update for a while now, friends... Honestly, since i've been home for 2 weeks after the 4 wks. in the hospitals, I've gotten steadily better for the most part, with a few setbacks along the way. I've missed you all a lot. Life is, of course, fully weird now, but mainly there's a big hole in my heart missing my church family.

My doctor looked at my foot about 2 weeks ago and was bothered that the wound was wet and oozy. He changed the dressing style, and within a few days, he was happy with how it was drying up. However, we went back for another appt. today (Monday) and he was not happy again. It seems to be healing, the wound is SLOWWWWWLY getting smaller, but it's just too soft and wet and he wants a nice hard scab, i guess.

So i'm going back to the hospital tomorrow morning. I'm not too worried, but I need to take it seriously and prayerfully - a 1-hr. surgery to clean the wound and then attach a med-vac (vacuum) again to it to dry it up. I'll be out for the surgery, and hope to clear up my head sooner than last time... Lord willing, I'll come home with the vac on the wound for ~4 days.

Honestly, probably the thing i'm most bummed about is that i was ready to try to head to the Christmas Gala and, i don't know, dance with Matt Tebbe or something, and then go to church in the morning. This easily might put me back and keep me from seeing you all for longer. We'll see.

I SO, SO appreciate the encouragement and your prayers. It means a lot, esp. as I go online and read about "talus fractures" and the long-term recovery difficulties. Google it if you're curious. The process doesn't sound very easy. And if you're into real-life gross stuff, my facebook site shows the ankle in all its man-altered glory.

Anyway, long letter. I love you guys and look forward to seeing you sometime.

Peace of Christ to you, your brother, Todd

P.S. Hey House Gathering buds! - I'll still try to give you a call from the hospital Tues night!

Oh yeah!‏
So, I forgot to include, I would so appreciate your prayers for -

* the complete healing of the ankle wound

* patience and strength for my mom and dad, great care-givers

* wisdom on the steps to take ahead. I'm being told to get a 2nd opinion, but I'm not excited about more multiple 90-minute + drives to/from Chicagoland* recovery of motion and the gift of ~walking~

* * My Aunt Marie's continued valiant fight against leukemia at The University of Chicago. She's doing great in chemo so far!!

Thanks brothers and sisters - TWA

Sat. Nov 15, 2008 - Hello my LOV family!

Sat. Nov. 15 08

Hello my loving LOV (Life on the Vine church) family!

I did make it home from the hospital today, exactly 4 weeks after the accident. I give God thanks and praise for ALL of his providence and sustenance through a very trying time with lots of difficulties and challenges. Just to be alive and able to think and talk and love is SUCH a privilege that I thank God for.

It's going to be a very long road ahead; something like a year of rehab. I'll probably have the "jungle gym" fixator around my foot drilled into the bones for 5-6 more weeks.

I so appreciate and long for your prayers. Even today, within the first 20 minutes of being home, I slipped with my crutch on some wet kitchen tile and sort of half-fell onto my hurt foot. It scared me a lot, and It does feel funny now, but we're praying that nothing is more damaged inside. I need to remember that the fixator is drilled into the bones like concrete. Anyway, another reminder of my fragility and need for the Lord's hand of protection.

This is my first time touching the internet in a month. I'm so thankful to be here and thankful for all of y'all. Looking forward to the day we meet again. Peace of Christ to you - Todd

Well, hello there! Introduction...

Hey there!!!
I haven't kept a blog since July of 2005. That's because I didn't believe that my life in Illinois (i.e. plowing cornfields, attending seminary, the occasional date, etc. (just kidding, no dates)) was really worth writing about. I thought differently about the time I was blessed to spend in India and Sri Lanka in 05. (If you want to check that out, feel free to see www.toddackland.blogspot.com)

But, here I am... still in Illinois... at my parents' house... eating popcorn... watching the Big Ten have a HORRENDOUS bowl season, sans Iowa... but the difference is, I'm recuperating and recovering from a pretty terrible accident that I had last Oct. 18. 4-wheeler vs. car. Not a good option for the 4-wheeler driver. I deeply thank God that He kept me alive and with my head and heart working straight.

It's been pretty hard to keep everyone updated... I've sent email updates to my church, but i'm not doing as well with everyone else. I may expand my email list, but for those of you who like reading others' blogs... I don't QUITE understand you!!... but i'm thankful for you... :) here you go. I'm going to start the simple way, by putting the old email letters sent to my awesome church family on here. (Life on the Vine Christian Community in rural Long Grove/Arlington Heights, IL. Wonderful place to grow and be.) Who knows - we'll see how this develops. Pictures... virtual surgery room... who knows? Thanks for visiting.